Because my sleeping is really fucked up and I decided to drink a soda at 8:30pm tonight, I can't sleep. And while I was laying in bed not sleeping I was thinking. You know how all those dating/match-making sites have tips for dating? Well, here are my excellent tips for how not to get a date (which, by the way, most I have personally used to succeed admirably in remaining alone forever):

• Don't talk to any member of the opposite sex (or which ever sex you are interested in).
• If a member of the opposite sex talks to you, blush and don't think of anything to say; this is especially common if you actually like the person.
• Be unattractive.
• Be mean, rude, abrasive, or contrary (you know, if they say something, you say the exact opposite).
• Be picky (has bad taste in music, smokes, has done drugs in the past, doesn't read, is stupid, watches too much sports, hates animals, doesn't get along with your friends, drinks too much, is annoying, just gives you that "ichy" feeling, has bad hair, etc.).
• If you do actually like someone, for heaven's sake never tell them or have any kind of communication with them at all. Ever.
• Don't think you are good enough to get a date.
• Hate everyone.
• Have a very small group of friends and don't ever do anything with anyone outside of that group.
• Don't go out.
• Watch too many romantic comedies (i.e. Bridget Jones) in which the perfect guy magically appears at the front door. And then wait for him (or her), forever if need be.
  
• Wait for the other person to make the first move; maybe they just need a couple of years to get up the courage - right?
• If someone introduces themselves at a bar, shake their hand and look away.
• In fact, always look away; never making solid eye contact is a good way to say "Go away, I don't like you."
• Get so nervous in any new social situation that you get sweaty, can't think of anything to say, have a panic attack, and then run away.

Considering the only dating tips I've ever really heard are "make eye contact," and "be confident," I think my tips are much more helpful. Realistic advice that is easy to follow, proven by real people. Of course, I don't do all of these things, but I've tried enough of them to prove that they work.

Man, I get cranky when I don't sleep.