Random Thoughts, Version 2.0 (with rather more links that I expected)

• Sometimes I get into the really morose/melancholy moods. I become convinced that everyone I know is going to die, or that I will lose my job, or that something really bad will happen to someone I know - so I sit around thinking about all the bad things that could happen to prepare myself. Tonight is one of those nights.
• Whenever I read my Bloglines, I open each blog into a new tab so that I can read it in context. And sometimes to mix it up, I read from the last one to the first one. Also, while reading, I highlight text as I go along so that I can keep track of where I am reading. I do not do this in books.
  
• Gilmore Girls ended tonight. I didn't realize how much I loved that show until they ended it PERFECTLY. The series romance is settled, but they didn't make it too gushy, and Rory is able to pursue her career without being saddled with a boyfriend. Although it may not have the longevity of Little Women, it will be right below it in my heart. Such a good show, about good people, with only a few falters. Although I like to think I would love more episodes, I think it is true that it is better to go out on the top rather than staying around too long (*cough* Friends *cough*).
• Work is CRAZY right now. I don't want to get "dooced," so I will just say that we are coming into the busiest month of my life and I feel like someone enrolled me in a marathon sprint without telling me. I literally thought my head was going to explode this morning with trying to keep track of everything I needed to do. This brings me to my next thought.
• I may not be around as much for the next month or so. The two weeks of hell starts in June. but the ramp leading up to it is getting steeper and steeper. And then I get to leave in the middle of everything to go to Virginia to give a paper discussing a book in front of two of my professors and the AUTHOR OF THE DAMN BOOK I WROTE ABOUT. Swell.
• Who knew Fergie could actually sing? And hey, Jess from Gilmore Girls, remember your roots boy now that you're all hot stuff, making out with Fergie and having a new show and all. And by hot, I mean...hot.
• I want this.
• I've been reading a lot lately, and in a week or two I'm going to call the cable company to barter a deal. A deal you say? With the cable company? Yes. I'm going to see if I continue to pay them $7 a month for an equipment fee if I can keep my DVR for the summer but cancel my cable. I'll get it back in August/September, but I don't want it for the summer. I want to make better use of my time than sitting and watching useless shows or repeats of shows I've already seen. I'm not some crazy hipster, though, I still have my movies. And the cable is coming back.
• When I was younger, the best part of my day was the time right before bed. I would lay in bed and dream of all the romantic, lovely, and exciting things that would happen to me in the future. Somewhere around the time I moved back home from my first year of college, that ended. Now I try to distract myself as much as possible before going to bed, so I don't have to worry, plan, and feel guilty about my day, the past, and what is inevitably coming up. I miss looking forward to things and not dreading them. I miss being friendly with the dark. And I miss wondering if someone else was thinking about me before they were going to sleep.

Good night, internet. Sweet dreams for us all.

Archery, goals, and friendship bracelets

My second summer working at camp, I was co-counselors with a girl that hated me. She kept looking at me like I was the stupidest person on the planet, and she never talked. I was terrified of spending an entire week with this girl, and I just knew that it would be one of the most uncomfortable, tense weeks of my life.

A few days into the session our cabin of little girls decided that they want to sign up for archery. As my co-counselor and I sat on the ground calling out instructions to the little 8 year-old girls, we started talking. I mentioned that I wanted to be really good at something random, like making friendship bracelets (which, by the way, I have been designated the "Queen of Friendship Bracelets"). I'm not sure how it happened, but we decided that we would become really good (Olympic quality) at archery. That way, at parties, we could whip out a bow & arrow and show off our random skills. We had a hysterically funny time letting each of the girls take one turn with the bows, then we would give ourselves 15 turns. We bonded that day, and I was later a bridesmaid at her wedding. She insists that she never hated me, and that she looked at everyone like that.

Lately, it seems like people have been talking about their life-goals. Their goals are not far-off dreams (playing in the NBA, becoming president, etc.) but actual things they hope to accomplish. When I think about my goals, I think about that day on the archery field. Although I have a few normal things - living in NYC for at least a year, traveling through Europe, collecting the soundtrack to every (good) musical - I can't really name my real goal. I'm not sure if writing a book is really something I want to do, I don't want to be the CEO (or whatever) of a company, I don't want to own my own business. I'm still trying to figure out what my life goal is, or should be.

I do know that I would like to do (or be) something different, or have one little area of expertise that is better than almost anyone else. Maybe better is not the right word, but along those lines. Definitely not archery, I hit the tree and the grass as often as the target, but something at which I can be really really good - even if it is really tiny and only a few people would ever know my specialty.

To quote Jo March, "I'm not sure what it is, but I'm on the watch for it."

I learned a long time ago that getting really really sweaty and dirty and then taking a shower is one of the best feelings in the world. When I worked at a summer camp, one of my favorites times of the day was walking back to our cabin with my wet hair smelling of shampoo and my skin finally drying from all the sweat and humidity of the day. There are few things that can measure up to an evening at camp - the sun has gone down, the stars and the breeze have come out, and the crickets and cicadas serenade everyone to sleep. The only thing that made it better was to having someone strumming on a guitar, maybe playing "This Pretty Planet" or "The Lone Wild Bird."

Every once in awhile the memory of camp creeps up on me, and I am forced to stop what I am doing and get lost in remembering things. Often times I am surprised by how many things I've forgotten...I don't think I will ever remember all of my campers' names, or my co-counselors, or my junior counselors. Certain sessions, certain activities, even certain people have fallen out of my conscious thought and it makes me sad that I can't remember every second of my time out there. However, there some memories that I will never, ever forget.

I remember my very first counselor. I was a terrified little third grader who had never been away from home that long before, and I loved my counselor. She had long, very curly hair, and her name was Amy. I also remember stubbing my toe on a rock and some poor male counselor carried me on his back all the way to the infirmary.

I remember going to beach camp and the beautiful second story porch that looked out over the ocean. The breeze and the view on that porch created a little haven of peacefulness, even for a bunch of middle school kids.

I remember the smell of waking up from an over night - a mixture of campfire, bug spray, burnt food, sleeping bags, and sweat.

I remember reading a different Narnia book each summer, and later each session of camp.

I remember my first year back at camp, and becoming a part of a group for perhaps the very first time. Although I have no idea where most of those people are, or what they are doing, I will always remember that summer with fondness. We were a great (although small) group, and it was awesome to be a part of it.

I remember the silly songs; maybe not all of the words to every song, but I definitely remember silly songs. Chiquita banana anyone?

I remember the countless, countless times I sat in the middle of a group of people, singing songs that I loved, and being perfectly content to simply live in the moment. I would have been happy to sing every moment of every day out there.

I remember dishes. Oh, how I remember doing dishes. There are few things in this world that can be that fun AND that miserable, all at the same time.

I remember friendship bracelets.

I remember the year it rained. And rained. And rained and rained and rained. By the end of that two week session I though I was going to have mold growing on my face and mud permanently attached to my feet. It was awesome to be in the middle of a force of nature like that, though - and watching the river rise almost to the dining hall was kind of cool.

I remember walking to the high ropes course on the back property in the blistering sun, putting harnesses on kids, and watching our leaders try not to die of heat stroke.

I remember the lovely, lovely swimming pool. And the G-line, which sadly is no more.

I remember my favorite spot on the planet, the chapel. I remember the simple wooden benches built into a deck on the flat top of a hill, looking out over the creek and the field. I remember the the calm and serene feeling that permeates the wind that blows through the trees. That is the one place in the world where I NEVER have to try to see God; he just exists there always and forever, even in my memory. All I have to do is close my eyes and I am laying on one of those wooden benches, looking up into the leafy greenness, listening to the breeze pass over, around, and through everything.

I remember the slop bucket. I also remember (and not many people do) turning the compost pile in the garden.

Out of the thousands of memories (some bad, most good) I have of camp, I am most grateful for the ones that brought me the friends I have today. It's hard to believe that a summer can affect people so much, but outside of my family, the people I am closest to today all went to camp. Sometimes it seems weird, but when I think about it, it makes perfect sense. They all know how good it feels to take a shower after a long, dirty, sweaty day at camp.

Things I Learned This Weekend:

• VIP treatment at clubs is waaay cool
• If you stand near the birthday girl, you get free drinks
• Never take marriage advice from the guy hanging outside the bathroom; especially if you tell them that you are not married.
  
• My cuticles are MESSED UP
• If you are my sister, you should drink water while partying for your 21st birthday so that you don't faint during communion the next morning.
• I love stuffed salmon
• The book will eventually end, all you have to do is devote every SINGLE GODDAMN SECOND to reading it
• Being able to plug your iPod into the car's cd player is awesome
• My cat likes to eat highlighters
• Apparently, Erin dropping her pizza face down on 6th street is really really funny (this may be a result of the free alcohol + lateness of the hour)
• Sometimes, making up your own recipe is fun and it might taste good
• Going to three different coffee places in Austin, then going home and trying to go to sleep at a reasonable hour is not going to happen
• Salman Rushdie is the devil...or is he?
• I think I'm ready to live in a big city
  

Yay, I'm smart!!!

My paper was just accepted to the 34th Annual International Conference of the Children's Literature Association.

Whoooooo Hooooooooo!

Happy New Year! Check out my drunken picture artwork:




We had a wonderful time in downtown San Antonio. Although it turns out that drinking wine, beer, rum & coke, champagne, and eating jello shots makes for one hell of a hangover. And wearing really cute champagne colored high heels to walk around downtown was not the best idea. I felt bad for all those with me for all my complaining, but DAMN my feet hurt. Even 48 hours later my feet still hurt. It is not totally my fault as I did not know that our driver's idea of a good parking place was somewhere free within 5 miles of our destination.

Anyway, we heard a really cool salsa band, I taught Erin a dance move, we wore the above "Happy New Year" headbands which flashed periodically, met some random people (including the cutest little boy that would not stop staring at Erin), participated in a very large televised countdown to midnight, saw another band in a famous bar (I believe it was a Cajun band), drank some over-priced alcohol and all in all had a really fun time. I also discovered that I really like my hair straight, although I used Erin's Chi which might be why it actually looked good. Oh, and I LOVE wearing false eyelashes - I have a pair of glow-in-the-dark eyelashes that I have never worn. I can't quite figure out when would be the best time for them to make their appearance.

Side note: I've never actually seen an episode of Beauty and the Geek (I'm not a big fan of reality tv), but I am psyched that they are using Bowling for Soup in their ads. I really dig them - A Hangover You Don't Deserve is our official road trip cd, and their new cd The Great Burrito Extortion Case is awesome. They are the happiest rock band ever.

I have to go back to work tomorrow. I haven't been to work for almost three weeks, and it has been sooooo nice. I can't remember the last time I had such a long (paid) vacation, and I've actually accomplished many of the things I wanted to. I've read three books, watched a lot of movies, cleaned up my DVR, cleaned my apartment, caught up on paperwork (both mine and my parent's), hung out with friends and family, and did laundry. I am refusing to take down my Christmas decorations, though - I am going to wait until next weekend. I did vacuum, and am currently giving myself a pat on the back for that!

Posting should be more regular now that I am returning to my routine. Come to think of it, everything should be more regular now, including my sleep schedule. I am normally getting ready to go to sleep around 10:30-11pm and wake up at 6:30am; lately I have been going to bed at 1 or 2am and waking up at 11am. Whoops. Anyway, I hope you all had a wonderful New Year's Eve and are currently hard at work on your New Year's Resolutions.

(In case you didn't notice, I have refrained from posting the oh-so-prosaic "Top 10 List" or "My New Year's Resolutions". That might be because I haven't made any lists or resolutions, but still. I should get originality points.)



P.S. My New Year's Resolution is to brush my teeth EVERY NIGHT before going to bed. I'm really good at the morning thing, but I tend to fall into bed at night without worrying about silly things like brushing my teeth...no, I'm much more concerned with bigger worries, like why the cat refuses to sleep anywhere except on my arm.


P.P.S. Okay, I cracked. I guess my resolutions should not include keeping one's promises.

I'm good at pretending.

When I was little I used to watch Sleeping Beauty over and over. I never was very interested in the prince, or the fairies, or the magic spells. I wanted to wander through the woods and be able to sing with the birds; I wanted to have squirrels and rabbits be my friends; I wanted to be able to talk to the raccoons. I would steal the afghan my mother made in 1970 (I vividly remember the lime green and orange stripes), and wander around our backyard making up songs to entice the birds. I spent hours roaming what I thought was a forest behind our house, hoping to come across a talking animal or a friendly deer. It turns out that my "forest" was simply an empty lot, and the closest I ever got to talking with nature was the afternoon I spent sitting in an empty stump that I didn't notice was covered in ants. I continue to be much better at pretending than noticing little details like a stump covered in good old Texas fire ants.

You see, all that time I spent wandering around the backyard I was really looking for friends. I wanted someone to talk to, someone (or something) to make me feel special, to find a "kindred spirit" as Lucy Maude Montgomery would say. And now that I have friends, lots of people that I love and care about, I wonder if I forgot to stop imagining things. I think I've been in a lifetime habit of pretending that everything will be different in the future, and that by thinking about something hard enough I could make the world sing back to me. This is all a really round about way to say that I need to quit dreaming about how perfect everything will be once I graduate from school, or move to a big city, or have the perfect Christmas. I want to free up that part of my brain to notice the cool stuff happening today, yesterday, and tomorrow.

For instance, I had a great time this Thanksgiving break. There were lots of good friends (old and new), lots of decorating, lots of laughing, lots of good food, lots of music, and lots of excitement. I ate Thanksgiving breakfast with my sister while we watched the parade, had a great Thanksgiving dinner, watched every Thanksgiving episode of Friends with Erin, cleaned and decorated all day on Friday, spent too much money at Target on Christmas stuff, had an awesome 3rd annual after-Thanksgiving day party, and went to a Blue October concert with Amanda. All good things.

And now I am going to stop daydreaming about daydreaming and get to work writing a paper (which I really do enjoy doing once I get started).