Monday, April 30, 2007

Um, ouch.

Perfectionism

  • Do you feel like what you accomplish is never quite good enough?
  • Do you often put off turning in papers or projects, waiting to get them just right?
  • Do you feel you must give more than 100 percent on everything you do or else you will be mediocre or even a failure?

If so, rather than simply working toward success, you may in fact be trying to be perfect. Perfectionism refers to a set of self-defeating thoughts and behaviors aimed at reaching excessively high unrealistic goals. Perfectionism is often mistakenly seen in our society as desirable or even necessary for success. However, recent studies have shown that perfectionistic attitudes actually interfere with success. The desire to be perfect can both rob you of a sense of personal satisfaction and cause you to fail to achieve as much as people who have more realistic strivings.

Causes of Perfectionism

If you are a perfectionist, it is likely that you learned early in life that other people valued you because of how much you accomplished or achieved. As a result you may have learned to value yourself only on the basis of other people's approval. Thus your self-esteem may have come to be based primarily on external standards. This can leave you vulnerable and excessively sensitive to the opinions and criticism of others. In attempting to protect yourself from such criticism, you may decide that being perfect is your only defense.

A number of the following negative feelings, thoughts, and beliefs may be associated with perfectionism:

  • Fear of failure. Perfectionists often equate failure to achieve their goals with a lack of personal worth or value.
  • Fear of making mistakes. Perfectionists often equate mistakes with failure. In orienting their lives around avoiding mistakes, perfectionists miss opportunities to learn and grow.
  • Fear of disapproval. If they let others see their flaws, perfectionists often fear that they will no longer be accepted. Trying to be perfect is a way of trying to protect themselves from criticism, rejection, and disapproval.
  • All-or-none thinking. Perfectionists frequently believe that they are worthless if their accomplishments are not perfect. Perfectionists have difficulty seeing situations in perspective. For example, a straight "A" student who receives a "B" might believe, "I am a total failure."
  • Overemphasis on "shoulds." Perfectionists' lives are often structured by an endless list of "shoulds" that serve as rigid rules for how their lives must be led. With such an overemphasis on shoulds, perfectionists rarely take into account their own wants and desires.
  • Believing that others are easily successful. Perfectionists tend to perceive others as achieving success with a minimum of effort, few errors, emotional stress, and maximum self-confidence. At the same time, perfectionists view their own efforts as unending and forever inadequate.

The Vicious Cycle of Perfectionism

Perfectionistic attitudes set in motion a vicious cycle. First, perfectionists set unreachable goals. Second, they fail to meet these goals because the goals were impossible to begin with. Failure to reach them was thus inevitable. Third, the constant pressure to achieve perfection and the inevitable chronic failure reduce productivity and effectiveness. Fourth, this cycle leads perfectionists to be self-critical and self-blaming which results in lower self-esteem. It may also lead to anxiety and depression. At this point perfectionists may give up completely on their goals and set different goals thinking, "This time if only I try harder I will succeed." Such thinking sets the entire cycle in motion again.

This vicious cycle can be illustrated by looking at a way in which perfectionists often deal with interpersonal relationships. Perfectionists tend to anticipate or fear disapproval and rejection from those around them. Given such fear, perfectionists may react defensively to criticism and in doing so frustrate and alienate others. Without realizing it, perfectionists may also apply their unrealistically high standards to others, becoming critical and demanding of them. Furthermore, perfectionists may avoid letting others see their mistakes, not realizing that self-disclosure allows others to perceive them as more human and thus more likeable. Because of this vicious cycle perfectionists often have difficulty being close to people and therefore have less than satisfactory interpersonal relationships.

Healthy Striving

Healthy goal setting and striving are quite different from the self-defeating process of perfectionism. Healthy strivers tend to set goals based on their own wants and desires rather than primarily in response to external expectations. Their goals are usually just one step beyond what they have already accomplished. In other words, their goals are realistic, internal, and potentially attainable. Healthy strivers take pleasure in the process of pursuing the task at hand rather than focusing only on the end result. When they experience disapproval or failure, their reactions are generally limited to specific situations rather than generalized to their entire self-worth.

What to do About Perfectionism

The first step in changing from perfectionistic attitudes to healthy striving is to realize that perfectionism is undesirable. Perfection is an illusion that is unattainable. The next step is to challenge the self-defeating thoughts and behaviors that fuel perfectionism. Some of the following strategies may help:

  • Set realistic and reachable goals based on your own wants and needs and what you have accomplished in the past. This will enable you to achieve and also will lead to a greater sense of self-esteem.
  • Set subsequent goals in a sequential manner. As you reach a goal, set your next goal one level beyond your present level of accomplishment.
  • Experiment with your standards for success. Choose any activity and instead of aiming for 100 percent, try for 90 percent, 80 percent, or even 60 percent success. This will help you to realize that the world does not end when you are not perfect.
  • Focus on the process of doing an activity not just on the end result. Evaluate your success not only in terms of what you accomplished but also in terms of how much you enjoyed the task. Recognize that there can be value in the process of pursuing a goal.
  • Use feelings of anxiety and depression as opportunities to ask yourself, "Have I set up impossible expectations for myself in this situation?"
  • Confront the fears that may be behind your perfectionism by asking yourself, "What am I afraid of? What is the worst thing that could happen?"
  • Recognize that many positive things can only be learned by making mistakes. When you make a mistake ask,
  • "What can I learn from this experience?" More specifically, think of a recent mistake you have made and list all the things you can learn from it.
  • Avoid all-or-none thinking in relation to your goals. Learn to discriminate the tasks you want to give high priority to from those tasks that are less important to you. On less important tasks, choose to put forth less effort. Once you have tried these suggestions, you are likely to realize that perfectionism is not a helpful or necessary influence in your life. There are alternative ways to think that are more beneficial. Not only are you likely to achieve more without your perfectionism, but you will feel better about yourself in the process.

I think I need to update my slang

This is a list of slang from the 90s. I only got to the b's because dude, I'm supposed to be writing a paper, but I very much still use most of these. And not in an ironic way.

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Dear Internet,

I can't decide if these shoes are cute, or for old ladies...what do you think?

Also, I think I have a shoe problem. I haven't bought any in awhile, but tomorrow is payday....

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Sunday, April 29, 2007

Things that I love right now

  • the tree outside of my window
  • the birds that hang out on my patio, eat all the bird food, and crap all over the place - especially the doves
  • my kitties, even though I shipped them off to the grandparents for the weekend
  • that Wednesday is coming
  • my summer blanket I put on my bed yesterday
  • COFFEE
  • traveling - apparently 2007 is the year of traveling to places I never thought I would go (Virginia, Memphis, Chicago)
  • my laptop, although I wish it was smart enough to drain all the information out of my brain, synthesize it, and then translate into a paper for me while I am re-reading the Harry Potter books out by the pool
  • clean laundry
  • Febreeze
  • getting paid on Tuesday

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Saturday, April 28, 2007

Oh holy jesus

I just couldn't remember how old I am. I was all: am I 26? Maybe 25? I thought I was 25. Did someone remember to tell me that I turned 26? Okay, what's 2007 minus 1981? 26, right? Oh wait, my birthday isn't until December. That means I am still 25.

Also, you should see this cartoon (click to make it larger).

Item #9487438 for avoiding working on a paper?

Googling procrastination.


How pathetic am I????

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Friday, April 27, 2007

These things are really the same

Usually when I think about moving I get lost in the idea of looking for a new apartment, the hunt for hardwood floors and a fireplace, getting to unpacking everything in a new space (my absolute favorite part of moving). I think about how exciting it will be to find a new coffee shop, or being able to walk to the grocery store, being able to be a new person, meeting new people.

Last night I remembered the other part of moving - the terrifying feeling that you are leaving everything and everyone you know behind. Having to make new friends, figure out where to go to get your car fixed, not having anyone to go to the movies with, being far away from your family, have to spend too much money traveling back and forth...

I think knowing that I've already moved across the country once before kind of hampers my judgment. I know both the awesome things about it, and the scary things. I LOVED being on my own, and exploring new places, and doing things that I NEVER would have done at home, but people were not as friendly as I thought they would be, and I was put in several situations that I never want to be in again. Also, I really missed my family and friends and it felt like their world was moving on without me.

Everything is becoming a little more real to me as I inch closer to graduation, and the pressure to HAVE A PLAN ALREADY is starting to get me. I am tired of having to say "I don't know" whenever anyone asks me what I am going to do after December. And although it seems like I have been in school for forever, I'm afraid if I leave it for too long before going back I won't remember anything.

I'm also procrastinating a little bit about writing these papers. You'd think by now I'd have to learned to just sit down and do it already.

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Thursday, April 26, 2007

Paint fumes making it hard to think

more bomb threats

still with the papers already?

I have $5.69 in my bank account.

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Wednesday, April 25, 2007


I really really really want these shoes. A lot. I love them. I will name them Stella and be their best friend.






These are beautiful as well. They would look awesome with some skirts I have, and with pants. Mmmm.






These are also really cute, especially for the summer.






These are just for fun. Hello fun shoes, will you be mine?





Does anyone have approximately $1000 to give to me so that I can buy shoes? Thanks!

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I could have been a millionaire

I TOTALLY had this idea 10 years ago. Except instead of calling someone an idiot through the back of my car, I had a "sorry" button.

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Yesterday...was one hell of a day!

Things that happened yesterday:
  • There was a bug in my coffee (which I fortunately did not drink).
  • I went to the eye doctor
  • I got a free lunch (with one and a half desserts!)
  • There was a bomb threat in the English building, forcing them to evacuate and my favorite class to be canceled.
  • The painters came to paint the trim in our office. They sanded the trim first (usual paint practice). My boss, not being the most practical of people, couldn't figure out what they had done, so he rubbed his finger on the trim. Then he licked his finger. I have no idea why.
  • I had a minor panic attach about the mail.
  • I gave a 10 minute presentation about a paper I haven't written. Actually, it was more like 5 minutes, because...well, I haven't written it yet!
  • I found out when I will be giving my paper at the conference this summer. It was rather surreal seeing my name and the title of my paper on the schedule.
  • My co-worked abandoned me for California. She won't be back until Monday.
  • I spent the vast majority of my evening class trying to figure out why there seems to be a particular sub-species of boys in graduate school that are able to think brilliant, abstract, obscure, and philosophic thoughts but are completely unable to take care of themselves. I think they live on coffee and cigarettes, don't sleep, wear nice shoes with horrible shirts, and always have bed head. I would like to send them home, make them take a shower, change clothes, eat a real meal, and then come back to school with a little more common sense. [pause] I was totally paying attention in class, I swear. I was also not playing with my bottle of water and pen making watercolor paintings on my notes. Definitely not.

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Monday, April 23, 2007

An evening at my house

Or, what happens after I work on a paper for five hours.


This is what Ghost does. Notice the blanket over the chair, and the paw over the eyes.




This is what Ollie does. Notice the jacket over his bed.




This is the stack of book and articles that I am using for ONE of my papers. Yes, I said one. The stack for the other is much smaller because a)I hate the class b)I think the material I have to use is stupid and c)I don't want to write the paper. And also I can't find much. Anyway, here is the stuff for the paper I am excited about writing.




Unless you are really into children's literature most of that makes no sense to you, but I find it interesting. The book I'm using is Diana Wynne Jones' Fire and Hemlock. Good stuff.


Well, I need to decide if I am jazzed enough on caffiene to finish what I was working on, or if I am sleepy enough to go to bed. I think I'll work for a little longer since I just wasted 30 minutes talking to you people.

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PAPERS!

This song in my theme song right now:

[LUCY]
A book report on Peter Rabbit, Peter Rabbit, Peter ra-

[LINUS (overlapping)]
A book report on Peter Rabbit, Peter ra-

[SCHROEDER (overlapping)]
A book report on Peter Rabbit, ra-

[CHARLIE BROWN (overlapping)]
A book report on Peter ra-

[ALL]
-Abbit.

[LUCY]
Peter Rabbit is this stupid book
About this stupid rabbit who steals
Vegetables from other peoples' gardens
[She counts the words so far]
Hmm. 83 to go.

[SCHROEDER]
The name of the book about which
This book report is about is
Peter Rabbit which is about this
Rabbit.
I found it very-
I liked the part where-
It was a-

It reminded me of "Robin Hood"
And the part where Little John jumped from the rock
To the Sheriff of Nottingham's back.
And then Robin and everyone swung from the trees
In a sudden surprise attack.
And they captured the sheriff and all of his goods
And they carried him back to their camp in the woods
And the sheriff was guest at their dinner and all
But he wriggled away and he sounded the call
And his men rushed in and the arrows flew-
Peter Rabbit did sort of that kind of thing too.

[LUCY]
The other people's name was Macgregor.
[counts to 23]
Ohh!

[LINUS]
In examining a book such as Peter Rabbit, it is important that
the superficial chracteristics of its deceptively simple plot
should not be allowed to blind the reader to the more substancial
fabric of its deeper motivations. In this report I plan to discuss the
sociological implications of family pressures so
great as to drive an otherwise moral rabbit to
perform acts of thievery which he consciously knew were
against the law. I also hope to explore the personlaity of Mr.
Macgregor in his comflicting roles as farmer and humanitarian.

Peter Rabbit is established from the start as a benevolent hero
and it is only...


[CHARLIE BROWN (overlapping)]
If I start writing now
When I'm not really rested
It could upset my thinking
Which is no good at all.
I'll get a fresh start tomorrow
And it's not due till Wednesday
So I'll have all of Tuesday
Unless something should happen.
Why does this always happen,
I should be outside playing
Getting fresh air and sunshine,
I work best under pressure,
And there'll be lots of pressure
If I wait till tomorrow
I should start writing now.
But I if I start writing now
When I'm nbot really rested
It could upset my thinking
Which is
No good at all.

[LUCY]
The name of the rabbit was Peter
[counts to 30]
Yes!

[SCHROEDER]
Down came the staff on his head- smaah!
And Robin fell like a sack full of lead- crash!
The sheriff laughed and he left him for dead- ah!
But he was wring

[LUCY]
35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40.

[SCHROEDER]
Just then an arrow flew in- whing!
It was a sign for the fight to begin- zing!
And then it looked like the sheriff would win- ah!
But not for long.
Away they ran.
Just lke rabbits.
Who run a lot
As you can tell
From the story
Of Peter Rabbit
Which this report
Is about.

[SALLY/SNOOPY]
Rabbits rabbits rabbits rabbits...

[CHARLIE BROWN]
How do they expect us to
Write a book report
Of any quality
In just two days

How can they
Conspire to
Make life so mis'rable
And so effectively
In so many ways

[LUCY]

There were vegetables
In the garden

Such as carrots and spinach
And onions and lettuce
And turnips and parsley
And okra and cabbage
And string beans ans parsnips
Tomatoes, potatoes, asparagus
Cauliflower, rhubarb and chives.

[LINUS]
Not to mention the extreme pressure exterted on him
bu his deeply rooted rivalry with Flopsy, Mopsy and
Cottontail!

[SALLY/SNOOPY]
Rabbits, rabbits, chasing rabbits...

[CHARLIE]
If I start
Writing now
When I'm not
Really rested
It could
Upset my
Thinking
Which is
Not good
At all
Not good
At all.

Oh.

First thing
After dinner
I'll start

[SCHROEDER]
The name of
The book
A bout which
This book
Report is
About is

Peter Rabbit,
Peter Rabbit

All for one
Ev'ry man
Does his part

Oh.

[LINUS]
What drove

An otherwise
Moral rabbit

To perform
Acts of

Thievery?
Thievery!

Sociological
Implications
Fam'ly
Pressure

Simple plot

[LUCY]
Peter Rabbit
Is this stupid
Book about this
Stupid rabbit
Who steals
Vegetables
From other
Peoples'
Gardens.

Gardens,
Gardens,

75,76

77,78,79,80
81,
82.

[SNOOPY/SALLY]
Rabbit
Chasing
Rabbit
Chasing
Rabbit
Chasing
Rabbit

Chasing!
Chasing!

Rabbits,
Rabbits
Chasing
Rabbits
Find a rabbit
Do or die!

[LUCY]
And they were very, very, very, very, very, very
Happy to be home.

[SCHROEDER/SALLY/SNOOPY]
The end.

[LUCY]
...94, 95. The very, very, very end.

[LINUS]
A-men

[CHARLIE BROWN]
A book report on Peter Rab-

[CHARLIE]
-Bit

Just start
Writing

You can do it

Nothing to it

Got to

Start-

Rabbit!
Rabbit!
Rabbit!
Rabbit!
Rabbit!
Rabbit!
Rabbit!

[SCHROEDER]
Peter Rabbit
Was
A lot like
Robin Hood

Peter Rabbit
Was
A lot like
Robin Hood

Rabbit!
Rabbit!
Rabbit!
Rabbit!
Rabbit!
Rabbit!
Rabbit!

[LINUS]
Sociological

Implications

Joined with

Familial
Condemnations

Rabbit!
Rabbit!
Rabbit!
Rabbit!
Rabbit!
Rabbit!
Rabbit!

[LUCY]
Peter Rabbit
Peter Rabbit
Peter Rabbit
Peter Rabbit
Peter Rabbit
Peter Rabbit
Peter Rabbit
Peter Rabbit

Rabbit!
Rabbit!
Rabbit!
Rabbit!
Rabbit!
Rabbit!
Rabbit!

[SNOOPY/SALLY]
Rabbit!

Rabbit!

Rabbit!

Rabbit!

Rabbit!
Rabbit!
Rabbit!
Rabbit!
Rabbit!
Rabbit!
Rabbit!

[CHARLIE BROWN]
I haven't even started yet!

[ALL]
Peter Rabbit!

-- "The Book Report" from You're a Good Man Charlie Brown

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Saturday, April 21, 2007

Oh, dream maker, you heart breaker...

In case you haven't noticed, I am one of those people that get obsessed with things. Songs, movies, books, I can listen/watch/read certain things over and over again. Not only is it comforting to me that some things remain the same, I just get into certain moods.

This morning after breakfast I turned my television to the Broadway songs channel. While I was doing the dishes, a song came on that reminded me of another song. I sang it to myself over and over until I was able to dry my hands, run to the computer, and look up the song. At first I thought I owned the song so I looked through my iTunes, but I couldn't find it. Turning to my old friend Google, I immediately found my song and realized where I knew it from.

"Moon River, wider than a mile,
I'm crossing you in style some day.
Oh, dream maker, you heart breaker,
wherever you're going I'm going your way.
Two drifters off to see the world.
There's such a lot of world to see.
We're after the same rainbow's end--
waiting 'round the bend,
my huckleberry friend,
Moon River and me."
I know it seems kind of corny, but this song is featured in one of my favorite episodes of Sex and the City. Mr. Big has decided to leave New York, and he and Carrie have a beautiful moment dancing to this song. I'm not sure why, but that moment really touches me, and I've watched the entire episode three times now. If I had any money, I would download the song and listen to it over and over.

The song manages to express exactly what I feeling at this moment. I love it when that happens.

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Friday, April 20, 2007

My office houses the mechanics for the campus bell. Twice this week we have watched someone come in, set the machine, and then wait while it slowly rings out 32 times. Once it was for a campus memorial, and then today for the nationwide moment of silence. It really hasn't sunk it that each one of those bell tolls symbolize a life. An entire life, an entire person, summed up and memorialized in a bell toll.

As one of the comments says, this is the most useful writing about the past week that I've read so far. Especially the part about journalists/politicians using the event for their own motivations.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

I'm going to see Bowling for Soup tonight!! A Hangover You Don't Deserve has been our road trip cd for years, and now I get to see it live. Although, I think we will be chilling at the back this time, unlike the Blue October show. I don't need one of my friends to faint...again...and be escorted out by a med team/security...again.

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Wednesday, April 18, 2007

FUCK!!!!

I just deleted everything I had been working on the for the past WEEK. It is completely gone. Half of our website is gone.

Excuse me while I go alternate between:
  • Shouting "FUCK!!!!" and hitting my head on my desk
  • Sobbing

Monday, April 16, 2007

"A White House spokesman said President Bush was horrified by the rampage and offered his prayers to the victims and the people of Virginia. "The president believes that there is a right for people to bear arms, but that all laws must be followed," spokeswoman Dana Perino said."
So in addition to comforting the friends and family of people who died today in Virginia, our president took the time to push his own agenda.

I can't even begin to try to write about what happened today.

I can't look at the news any more. I just can't.

Every time I hear a siren, or some one shouting outside of my office, I flinch.

Friday, April 13, 2007

And now when I hear people curse the chance that was wasted...

I can't stand any of Sheryl Crow's songs (even though I own one of her cds, sorry 7th grade me), except "Begin the Beguine" on the De-Lovely soundtrack. This song has been repeating on my iPod for about three days - it's a darn good thing I don't share my office with anyone, because they probably would have killed me by now.

In other news, everyone has left me at work all by myself. This often happens on Fridays. And they wonder why I don't get anything done on Fridays! (Actually, no, no one wonders that because really, I work very hard 90% of the time.) It makes me sad to be at work by myself, I got used to working with 20-30 other staff members and 50-100 kids. I was NEVER alone at the daycare, unless I was about to leave. And then it was creepy.

Oh, and I get to go out with my girls tonight! Since I so cleverly saved $100 on my airplane ticket to Virgina, I can now do stuff! Like buy food! And alcohol! Aren't you excited for me! Bring on the expensive margaritas and cheap mixed drinks!

Whew, that was a lot of exclamation points. But seriously, kids, I have two papers due in 18 days. I know this because I set a countdown on my widgets, so it tells me EXACTLY how many days, hours, minutes, and seconds I have left. Swell. One paper is half written (in my head) and the other one is...well, not quite so far. I have a topic, though. Sort of. Actually, if you know anything at all about Milton, cognitive science, or psychology, please email me. Preferably, if you know about all three.

Thanks Internet, have a great weekend!

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Thursday, April 12, 2007

So far gone, yet not so long

Instead of boring you with excuses for not posting, I will just cut it short and instead offer you a list (yay!) of things I am obsessed with. Just because.

  • I always have a book with me. One of my greatest fears (besides being suffocated or dying alone) is being stuck somewhere with nothing to do. I've been doing this since I was a child, and it feels very wrong and unnatural to be somewhere without something to read. Lately, with the stress of paper and conferences building, I have been carrying around two-four books. I would excuse it by reminding you that I am an English major, but really I'm just a dork like that. (In the interest of being completely honest I do not carry a book when I go out to bars, but that is mostly because I don't carry a purse. Credit card, id, lipstick, and keys are the only essentials I will subject to the noxious clouds of smoke in the bars around here. Oh, and my lungs, but whatever.)
  • I've mentioned my love of Burt's Bees Wax and Precise Rolling Ball V5 Extra Fine blue pens before, but it bears repeating here. I love my Burt's (petroleum free!), especially the pepperminty smell. Also, the Precise Rolling Ball V5 Extra Fine blue pen is the best pen ever invented, and it is very fun to set the end down on a napkin (or a piece of paper during class) and just want the color bleed out. See what I am forced to do to amuse myself when I don't have a book?
  • My cats. I know it is unhealthy to be obsessed with one's pets and that I should be out "living life" and "meeting people" and "finding the one" but all of that makes me tired and confused. I love talking, hanging out with, snuggling, and playing with the boys. Even when Ghost accidentally scratches me through three blankets, or Ollie bites my nose. They are so much more easy to get along with that people, and they love me because I feed them. Simple. My parents keep bugging me to bring the cats over to their house, but I HATE being at my apartment without them. It's so lonely.
  • Musicals. My goal is to collect every musical soundtrack ever recorded, and I've made a good start down that road. Sometime I will be forced to decide what cds I need to take off my iPod to make room for the news ones, but for now I've only filled up 16/30GBs. I've got a few years to go.
  • Laundry. I love doing laundry, I love putting it away, I love how everything looks when it is all hung up, I love putting the soap in the washer and watching it fill up, I love putting dirty clothes in and getting clean clothes out, I love Febreeze. I even enjoy ironing, although you wouldn't really know it by looking at me - I only manage to do it one every two months or so.
  • Reading blogs/checking my email. Even on the weekends, I check Bloglines and my email constantly. I just have to know what is going on in the world (of blogs) and if I've received my daily allotment of junk mail.

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Thursday, April 05, 2007

Do you know what is great?

  • Cheerleader U. I know, I know, but it is a quality non-brain related activity.
  • I received a check for $400 in the mail today. I don't get to go shopping or anything, but I do get to buy a ticket to Virginia for this summer. Who hoo!
  • Having my cat sitting on the couch behind me with one paw in my shoulder. Too sweet.
  • Getting off @ noon tomorrow.
  • Eating mashed potatoes, toast, and cheese for dinner. Because, you know, I can.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Funniest. thing. ever.

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I LOVE this movie!



Watch, laugh, thank me by buying me dinner. Or whatever. :)

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THIS is the only way to make bars and graphs fun - why did no think to make them into roller coasters before???

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Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Archery, goals, and friendship bracelets

My second summer working at camp, I was co-counselors with a girl that hated me. She kept looking at me like I was the stupidest person on the planet, and she never talked. I was terrified of spending an entire week with this girl, and I just knew that it would be one of the most uncomfortable, tense weeks of my life.

A few days into the session our cabin of little girls decided that they want to sign up for archery. As my co-counselor and I sat on the ground calling out instructions to the little 8 year-old girls, we started talking. I mentioned that I wanted to be really good at something random, like making friendship bracelets (which, by the way, I have been designated the "Queen of Friendship Bracelets"). I'm not sure how it happened, but we decided that we would become really good (Olympic quality) at archery. That way, at parties, we could whip out a bow & arrow and show off our random skills. We had a hysterically funny time letting each of the girls take one turn with the bows, then we would give ourselves 15 turns. We bonded that day, and I was later a bridesmaid at her wedding. She insists that she never hated me, and that she looked at everyone like that.

Lately, it seems like people have been talking about their life-goals. Their goals are not far-off dreams (playing in the NBA, becoming president, etc.) but actual things they hope to accomplish. When I think about my goals, I think about that day on the archery field. Although I have a few normal things - living in NYC for at least a year, traveling through Europe, collecting the soundtrack to every (good) musical - I can't really name my real goal. I'm not sure if writing a book is really something I want to do, I don't want to be the CEO (or whatever) of a company, I don't want to own my own business. I'm still trying to figure out what my life goal is, or should be.

I do know that I would like to do (or be) something different, or have one little area of expertise that is better than almost anyone else. Maybe better is not the right word, but along those lines. Definitely not archery, I hit the tree and the grass as often as the target, but something at which I can be really really good - even if it is really tiny and only a few people would ever know my specialty.

To quote Jo March, "I'm not sure what it is, but I'm on the watch for it."

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